Bedtime Thoughts
by RhiannonNymph
Summary: McKay's waiting for sleep and starts to put himself down.Implied both McWeir and ShepWeir. One Shot


DISCLAMIER: I don't own anything… I just get a kick out of playing with the SGA crew… The song is "Seven Wonders" by Nickel Creek.

Spoilers for pretty much anything in season one, excluding The Siege (Parts 1 and 2) because I haven't seen those episodes yet.

Oh, I don't know if everyone knows who Bill Nye is, he's just a guy that did science shows for kids. You gotta love "Bill Nye the Science Guy. Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill…."

I was listening to the CD the other day and Seven Wonders came on and it screamed Rodney at me, so here I am. It's a pretty angsty piece, but I hope you enjoy none the less…

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"_When shadows fall_

_He'll close his eyes_

_To hear the clocks unwind._

_Powerless to leash the hand of time._

_Kingdoms fall._

_The Earth revolves._

_The rain will come this spring,_

_And nothing he could say would change a thing."_

Time was a funny thing. Once something happened that was it, there was no going back, no changing it, no do-overs. It something the Ancients had mastered, something Rodney wished he could master.

He lay down in his bed, somewhere he hadn't been in what felt like forever. He pulled the covers up to his chest, and rested his hands there. Staring at the ceiling he thought about everything that had gone wrong since arriving in the Pegasus Galaxy.

The very second they'd arrived they'd almost died. And what had he done to help prevent the ocean from stealing all their lives? Not much, he'd shut down a computer here and there, turning off what he could, but nothing he did had saved them. It had been Weir. She'd saved them and herself ten thousand years before they ever made it to Atlantis.

If Rodney had the power that the Ancients had, there was so much he'd do differently.

For starters he'd make sure no one fell victim to that virus. Wagner, Johnson, Peterson, Dumais, Hays, five people died because he couldn't think fast enough. And in the end his plan wasn't enough, Sheppard had found the solution, Sheppard had risked his life to save everyone. If it hadn't been for Sheppard, Ford and Zelenka would have made seven, soon to be followed by God knows how many.

Brendan and Abrams. He'd pleaded to go to that ship, sure the Major's influence on Weir had helped, but it had been McKay's idea. And Brendan…McKay had been right there, and he couldn't even stop him.

It didn't seem to matter who or what the circumstances, if they were involved with Rodney McKay sooner or later something bad would happen to them.

It had been that way all his life. It was like a green thumb, only it was really black underneath and everything he touched died, or became an instrument of death.

Look at his family. He felt like the whole family unit had gone to hell after he was born.

He thought about everything he'd said in his message home. The movies, the sights, his sister, all the things he wanted to do but didn't, and the things he did. Dropping piano because one person told him he didn't have a love of the music, who was so weak that they'd do that because of one person?

And back at the SCG, the whole deal with Teal'c. He'd been willing to let a great person die because thought he knew everything. Now people were dropping left and right, and he wanted nothing more than to help them, but he couldn't . Colonel Carter had been Teal'cs salvation.

He wished he could believe in fate. That everything happened for a reason. He wished he could make himself believe there was nothing he could do, not for anyone. He'd worked hard and fast, and still let people down.

He wanted to apologize until it mattered.

But not much that came from him did.

"_Seven Wonders crowed the man, knowing six are gone._

_And how the great illusion lingers on…"_

After growing up in a family where you're not really wanted, and no effort is made to hide that fact, you learn to have a tougher shell. If you don't look like you care, then maybe you really don't.

Little things bounce off you, or so that's how others see it. One pretends not to feel the biting loneliness that comes with self preservation. But Rodney felt it, all the time. He lacked real parents, his sister was at best estranged and he'd never had a serious relationship in his life.

He'd become a sarcastic, self-inflating know-it-all, and it drove people crazy. It made them hate him.

It made him hate himself.

"_He can't enfold the sun or moon or wind within his hand,_

_But count the times he'll shout the shout the great I am._

_With all the while a pontiff smile, veiling his disgrace,_

_At never owning more than second place."_

It never mattered though. He was too consumed with his limitations. Sure he could save the world seven ways from Sunday, but he could never be a people person.

All he wanted was to be someone's friend, lover, brother, son.

For every short coming he experienced in life, he made some great machine or advancement in his work. He boasted about the things he'd done that others couldn't, the things he'd seen that they could never know. He shoved his ego and his brains down the throat of everyone he met.

And he was alone.

He was in a tiny room, in a forgotten city, in another galaxy all by himself. A thousand million miles from home and he still couldn't start over. He still couldn't be the man he wanted.

He liked to think that maybe, just maybe, he had actually accomplished something. He was friends with Sheppard, right? Sometimes he wasn't sure, take Chaya for instance. John had been quick to dismiss anything McKay had worried about.

Carson, was that a friendship? He felt like all he did was complain to the man. 'Carson, did you hear what Sheppard did to my work…', 'Kavanaugh had the most idiotic…". He wasn't even sure he could call Zelenka friend. Or anyone of the scientific community, he belittled them all.

Ford and Teyla? If they weren't on the same team he'd probably never have heard two words from them. Especially Ford, after that whole 'Prime no prime' deal…the younger man had to hate him.

Elizabeth…he wished to whatever entity was out there that he might have a friendship with her, something more than work. Something more than nothing. He found his eyes wondering toward her whenever she was around. He did his best to hide it, but sometimes she caught his gaze, and he'd look away.

She made him want to change, to not be afraid to let people see him for who he really was. But she'd seen him at his worst, at a moment when the reality of Rodney had shown through the bravado. She was standing right there when Kolya held him against the railing, the only thing keeping him from a raging sea. And what had he done? Said he'd help id he could, said that he wasn't brave. He had stood between that same gun and her body earlier that very day, maybe that moment of weakness didn't matter.

Then he remembered how he'd so readily given away their plan for the city after one cut of a knife. And in the end Sheppard had save them. The woman he so desperately wanted to know was being dragged to the 'Gate and he ran for cover.

In the end it was Sheppard's eyes she looked into with longing and gratitude. How could he compete with the Major? A good looking, well trained, people person. He had nothing on Sheppard.

But he'd be damned if he'd let Sheppard now how envious he was of him at times.

"_Seven Wonders crowed the man, knowing six are gone._

_And how the great illusion lingers on…"_

So if and egotistical, smart-ass genius is what he had to be, then so be it.

He sat up in his bed. Dreary thoughts were not what dreams were made of. He left his room to walk the halls of Atlantis. Maybe he could through himself into some project he'd put aside for a rainy day. And though it wasn't raining outside, it was inside, inside McKay. In his mind and heart, his very soul felt drenched to the core.

He walked past the general populace quarters, where the "TV" was, and turned around to examine the glow that came from within. Someone was sitting on the sofa they'd found, watching previews for some movie he'd never seen.

The figure was darkened by the glow of the screen, but he knew from the wild hair it could only be Sheppard. His military senses kicked in and he turned to look at the person who'd encroached on his alone-time.

"McKay." He said in a questioning tone.

"How keen of you Major."

He wasn't sure, but he thought John smiled at him, before patting the seat next to him. He wanted Rodney to sit, but he wasn't sure he wanted to, or deserved to.

"I have more important things to do than waste my time watching some god-forsaken movie Major." He cringed inwardly, and crossed his arms. This is what he'd been telling himself all night, he was such an ass. How could he expect these people to be his friends when he talked to them like that?

"Like what?"

"Actually," he crossed a galaxy to leave the bad things behind, was he really going to risk change because he'd built some wall to keep people out a dozen years ago? "It's nothing that can't wait till later."

Sheppard's head moved back slightly, surprised McKay hadn't shot some sarcastic remark at him and promptly left the room.

"Really? Because you usually do have more important things to do."

McKay scoffed inwardly, 'Like what?' he though, 'Figure out all the ways we can't stop the Wraith from annihilating us?'

"Not tonight." He answered. Maybe things could change, if he had to practice negative self talk, maybe he could do it to himself, spare the others, and maybe make a few friends and amends in time. "What are you watching?"

"The Terminator." He said with a big grin.

"Ah, mind numbing American violence. There really is nothing quite like it."

Sheppard shrugged, "Well then, lets just pop in a tape of Bill Nye."

"No, no. We can watch your violence."

"So the genius can watch mayhem with the barbarian?"

"What are friends for?" he hid the hope in voice. God, how he wanted to be this man's friend. A real, true, honest to God friend. The kind you confided in, but not in a girly way of course.

"Good call." Sheppard said. McKay felt like the rain had suddenly stopped, and all at the words of John. The man really was like a superhero. John held a bag of Twizzlers in front of McKay.

"Where did you get those?" McKay asked, puzzled and slightly jealous that the Major had a stash or that someone else did, and gave them to him.

"That's on a need to know basis…" he only received a blank stare, "…I stole 'em from Ford, happy?" McKay took the offered candy.

If he was going to change, he had to take the steps. Step one: complete, only a million more to go. But maybe it would be less, maybe it wouldn't take as long as he thought…having friends could make the time fly by. And that was time he wouldn't change for the world.

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Hmm… I like it but I don't think it came out the way I intended, but I got more or less what I wanted in there. Did it seem a little choppy? I kept getting interrupted, but I feel like I stayed on track for the most part. Please Read and Review! (Oh, and I hope to have the next chapter of Waiting to be Normal up by the end of Monday. I did this instead of that tonight.) 


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